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A Message From The Editor

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  Ever had an annoying friend? One that you wish you could get rid of, don't even remember how you met, but without whom you'd somehow feel incomplete? Sure you have; we all have.    Everyone has also had a...n oppressive boss. Everyone has had a headache. Some people have even engaged in some sort of banter with a stranger that led to an overwhelming desire to commit violence. But as common as these occurrences are, not everyone can make these situations funny. James Patrick has dedicated his pathetic little life to capturing the humor in the mundane situations in which he frequently, painfully, finds himself. He’s been aptly described as a mischievous child by those who read his work; those of us who work with him call him other things which are not appropriate for print.  “Get Off the Bus”  is a collection of humor columns, posted over the last 48 months  and incldes 50-plus articles of observational comedy covering topics such as relationships, politics...
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Don't Pack The Bags...just Yet

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 Don't Pack The Bags (Just) Yet Guest contributor For The Scene,  James Patrick    I met a friend for lunch yesterday and she told me about a website that matches people with their ideal U.S. city destination by filling out a user friendly form which I liken to writing a masters degree thesis.   Trust me, I've written one of those ridiculous things.   One simply hits "send" and, voila, you're perfectly matched with a Tinder Hookup. Oops, wrong site.      After submitting my destination quiz (eventually) I received a Chinese hacker, Hillary Clinton's lost email server...and then my ideal city destination list.       Actually the site featured several helpful items, such as 273-thousand pop-up ads and a computer virus which was so powerful that it infected my cat.     Because I often have nothing particularly to do, I entered the required survey criteria which consisted of basic questions pertaining to li...
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Hey, Alexa...

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  I have a longtime friend who once regaled me with the story of (what I will call) a fairy tale wedding. The sort of unspoiled romance that little girls dream about all of their life…only, it's in Arkansas.    Alexa is from Texarkana.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the fascinating story of Texarkana, it's world famous for DUIs and meth labs.    Texarkana straddles the Texas/Arkansas border - thus the clever name. It’s also the home of some weird guy (Charles) who claims to have invented the exploding pagers and cell phones for the CIA as a party prank long before Israel's spy agency perfected it.  I also know that it’s part of the United States- as is the rest of Arkansas.    Alexa was supposed to be married in a wedding chapel on the Texas side of the city... The only problem being?  Other than the fact that she should have joined the witness relocation program rather than to marry this man, was that Texas wouldn’t legally r...
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My Birthday was D.O.G.E'd

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 For 17 years, each April (on or about my stupid birthdate) I’ve utilized time on the main platform to briefly share, reminisce, come to grips with and make fun of myself and other shit.  It's a snapshot of things I've ruminated over for the past 360-ish days and is quite unoriginally titled:                “Things I’ve Learned”  (a.k.a.)                       “...What doesn’t kill you" Here we go--  1. No one can tell me what the name “Todd” is short for…not even my friend, TODD!  Weird.  2. The Surgeon' General seems to be correct in the assessment that there IS NO safe cigarette!! My friend, Pete, was stabbed outside of a  convenience store after purchasing a pack of Ultra Lights 3. Trust me when I tell you that there is NOTHING funnier than witnessing 5 trannys pile into a Ford Festiva 4. Crazy people seem to possess amazing talents in that they are incre...
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Making Up Is Hard To Do Chapter 29

Chris had just left work and absolutely couldn’t wait to be home. Smoking a cigarette in front of the shopfront next to his house,  he replayed scenes from, what had been, a comedy of errors at the station.    A story he’d been working on was scooped by an unscrupulous reporter across town at channel 12.  "...That dickhead poached that goddamn story from me and he KNOWS it,"  Chris sulked.   One of Chris’ sources played both sides of the fence at City Hall, and Chris was none too happy tonight.     On top of that, he'd received his 15th parking ticket from the meter maids in the Central Business District. "...The fucking parking Gestapo," Chris grumbled to himself, looking at the bright orange ticket in his hand.   Earlier, he’d seen a group of meter maids in training on a street corner in the CBD. A virtual beehive of cruelty, he thought, as he watched the senior officers training their young recruits. "Ha!"  He scoffed, "...I didn’t re...
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Rebirth, Rebuild (Ch. 32)

  Chris sat alone on a solitary bench overlooking the Mississippi river at Woldenberg Park. He watched the occasional jogger dart past as sounds of children playing around a nearby Cypress tree echoed, mixed with the melody from a  trumpeter playing for tips up by the levee.   His head and body were still physically exhausted by way of a one week (seemingly, to him), year and a half of a most wonderful world.   The ride from  which he'd just disembarked was dizzying, in retrospect.   An occasional tourist ambled past, snapping memories on their cameras and cell phones with St. Louis Cathedral as the backdrop, as a couple of homeless men slept soundly under a cluster of  trees just up from the riverbank.   The late afternoon sun felt good to Chris; it shone like a heavenly spotlight as he absorbed the warmth and richness that it held. It was a feeling that had been long absent from his mind and in his heart on this journey.   Chris l...
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