Don't Pack The Bags...just Yet

 Don't Pack The Bags (Just) Yet

Guest contributor For The Scene,  James Patrick

   I met a friend for lunch yesterday and she told me about a website that matches people with their ideal U.S. city destination by filling out a user friendly form which I liken to writing a masters degree thesis.  Trust me, I've written one of those ridiculous things.  

One simply hits "send" and, voila, you're perfectly matched with a Tinder Hookup. Oops, wrong site.   

  After submitting my destination quiz (eventually) I received a Chinese hacker, Hillary Clinton's lost email server...and then my ideal city destination list.  

    Actually the site featured several helpful items, such as 273-thousand pop-up ads and a computer virus which was so powerful that it infected my cat.

    Because I often have nothing particularly to do, I entered the required survey criteria which consisted of basic questions pertaining to lifestyle, age, hair color, blood type, Zodiac sign, anything I ate this year, my DOB, mother's maiden name and last four of my social. 

Here’s what they suggested for ME:

Savannah, GA.

Listed as one of the “Top 100 Places to Retire or participate in a civil war reenactment/lingerie show,“ according to some magazine to which I‘d never subscribe. Savannah is beautiful and culturally drenched in magnificent things such as the silent letter "H" in its name. It hosts the 3rd largest St. Patrick's Day celebration which tells me that they have a very large jail facility.

Mobile, AL:

The first seat of colonial French Louisiana (where boobies for beads and corrupt local government were first introduced). It's also home to some weird guy named Eddie who swears that he invented the Ebola virus for the CIA in order to impress girls.  Next…

Tallahassee, FL:

If I visit Florida, I certainly would NOT pick a landlocked city. The city slogan is “Visit Tallahassee, where it all comes together”. Of course it does…it’s the center of a state where there are many cool things going on (minus Jeb Bush), just not there. This slogan translates to “We know you’re just passing through." Elsewhere in the rental car state...

Pensacola, FL:

I’m not opposed to the "Redneck Riviera." Visitors from Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana converging upon one city can only equal one spectacular recipe...an entire television season of "Cops."  I'd simply enjoy telling people that I'd visited Escambia County, because I like the sound of Escambia. I'd say it with a thick Spanish accent to the point of irritating everyone around me until they bleed from the ears.  Which brings us to the enchanted land of...

Galveston, TX:

Sincere apologies to the citizens of Galveston, but…No.

EL Paso, TX:

I think El Paso is a fine city, even though Donald Trump plans to change the name because it sounds too Mexican.  I even make a point to purchase “Old El Paso” food products. El Paso is in the finals for the "All American City" award which will immediately prompt a nuclear strike by executive order in a Trump administration. Settle down Tennessee! I have no dog in the political arena  and Trump is fucking hilarious,  like it or not. Next...

Dallas or Ft. Worth, TX:

No and NO. I’ve had many fine times there, one of which included a brief brush with the law for doing something foolish, like not being from Texas.

    I don’t trust a city with THAT many TGI Friday’s and an interstate system where east is west and south is northeast. Try driving there sometime; you'll understand.

*Sigh* Portland,  Oregon 

I wish no ill-will to Portland people,  but, a Tsunami might not be terrible?  I'm a fan of cities that offer diverse choices.  Such as... woodlands, arts, mountains,  Proud boys,  AntiFa, etc. Portland is NOT weird.  It's absurd.

Next...

Oklahoma City, OK:

I associate OKC with nothing particularly fun...such as grassroots anger.  Especially enticing is the probability of being randomly sucked up and violently thrown to Arkansas by a massive tornado.  Which brings us to the nation's trailer park...

Arkansas.

I attended a wedding in Arkansas and I truly wished and prayed for a rescue helicopter to snatch me up.

New Orleans,  Louisiana made the list. But, I'm not going to shit on my second hometown because they do a better job at perpetuating the stereotype all on their own. The city's favorite sport is an AA meeting 

Then, there's...

Nashville, TN:

A fantastic city, and my hometown.  It holds and preserves unparalleled culture, rich history and Kenny Rogers' actual PRE-facelift face. They finally killed Kenny. Bastards! RIP Kenny. 

    I wasted a lot of time with the destination app with no tangible results-- sort of like waiting in a TSA line-- I DID snag a triple CHEESE pizza coupon from Shaq's Papa John's from the pop-up ads. 

    I think I'll just vacation at home next summer.

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