25 hours, Eight Days

 I'm experiencing another stupid birthday and, as usual, I've learned many valuable lessons...all of which were, apparently,  struck by a Tomahawk missile in military operations overseas.     This year on my birthday I strive to do what many successful people in ou r society do... begin an 8 to 13 month sentence at a minimum security prison      On day 355 let's cut the (ice cream) cake, enjoy a lap dance from an aging but incredibly nice stripper who majored in Art History 14 years ago and take a peek at a few "Things I've Learned." 1. I genuinely enjoy conversation, so long as I'm not involved in any way whatsoever. 2. I judge ANY guy who orders a shot of Fireball. (or drives a Miata) 3.  Everyone who I've ever met named "Chase" is a complete dildo. 4. I get into trouble quite often for being honest.  Case in point-- One does not have to do anything that they do not wish to do-- especially in the workplace.  The caveat being that you m...

 Did you know that today was plan Your Epitaph Day?  April 6, 2026, is an annual opportunity to take control of your legacy by crafting your own tombstone inscription.   Created in 1995 (that explains a LOT) to encourage personal reflection on life and death, this day prompts you to decide how you want to be remembered rather than leaving it to others. My name is likely burned in effigy fucking daily out here...but, no one elsewhere takes the west coast seriously anyway.    My epitaph would be much better served in another's hands, for sure. But, before I do that, here's goes... I had a conversation on the phone last night with a writer friend of mine that, I’m convinced, was a dream. After confirming that it was indeed a real conversation I desperately tried to grasp the subject matter over breakfast today. (Pronounced: Bloody Mary's) She told me of an elderly family friend in Texas who had asked that my friend write a eulogy, an epitaph of sorts-- so she ...

 Don't Pack The Bags (Just) Yet Guest contributor For The Scene,  James Patrick    I met a friend for lunch yesterday and she told me about a website that matches people with their ideal U.S. city destination by filling out a user friendly form which I liken to writing a masters degree thesis.   Trust me, I've written one of those ridiculous things.   One simply hits "send" and, voila, you're perfectly matched with a Tinder Hookup. Oops, wrong site.      After submitting my destination quiz (eventually) I received a Chinese hacker, Hillary Clinton's lost email server...and then my ideal city destination list.       Actually the site featured several helpful items, such as 273-thousand pop-up ads and a computer virus which was so powerful that it infected my cat.     Because I often have nothing particularly to do, I entered the required survey criteria which consisted of basic questions pertaining to li...

  I have a longtime friend who once regaled me with the story of (what I will call) a fairy tale wedding. The sort of unspoiled romance that little girls dream about all of their life…only, it's in Arkansas.    Alexa is from Texarkana.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the fascinating story of Texarkana, it's world famous for DUIs and meth labs.    Texarkana straddles the Texas/Arkansas border - thus the clever name. It’s also the home of some weird guy (Charles) who claims to have invented the exploding pagers and cell phones for the CIA as a party prank long before Israel's spy agency perfected it.  I also know that it’s part of the United States- as is the rest of Arkansas.    Alexa was supposed to be married in a wedding chapel on the Texas side of the city... The only problem being?  Other than the fact that she should have joined the witness relocation program rather than to marry this man, was that Texas wouldn’t legally r...

 For 17 years, each April (on or about my stupid birthdate) I’ve utilized time on the main platform to briefly share, reminisce, come to grips with and make fun of myself and other shit.  It's a snapshot of things I've ruminated over for the past 360-ish days and is quite unoriginally titled:                “Things I’ve Learned”  (a.k.a.)                       “...What doesn’t kill you" Here we go--  1. No one can tell me what the name “Todd” is short for…not even my friend, TODD!  Weird.  2. The Surgeon' General seems to be correct in the assessment that there IS NO safe cigarette!! My friend, Pete, was stabbed outside of a  convenience store after purchasing a pack of Ultra Lights 3. Trust me when I tell you that there is NOTHING funnier than witnessing 5 trannys pile into a Ford Festiva 4. Crazy people seem to possess amazing talents in that they are incre...

  Chris sat alone on a solitary bench overlooking the Mississippi river at Woldenberg Park. He watched the occasional jogger dart past as sounds of children playing around a nearby Cypress tree echoed, mixed with the melody from a  trumpeter playing for tips up by the levee.   His head and body were still physically exhausted by way of a one week (seemingly, to him), year and a half of a most wonderful world.   The ride from  which he'd just disembarked was dizzying, in retrospect.   An occasional tourist ambled past, snapping memories on their cameras and cell phones with St. Louis Cathedral as the backdrop, as a couple of homeless men slept soundly under a cluster of  trees just up from the riverbank.   The late afternoon sun felt good to Chris; it shone like a heavenly spotlight as he absorbed the warmth and richness that it held. It was a feeling that had been long absent from his mind and in his heart on this journey.   Chris l...