Just Another Year...

 I'm experiencing another stupid birthday and, as usual, I've learned many valuable lessons...all of which were, apparently,  struck by a Tomahawk missile in military operations overseas.

    This year on my birthday I strive to do what many successful people in ou


r society do... begin an 8 to 13 month sentence at a minimum security prison 

    On day 355 let's cut the (ice cream) cake, enjoy a lap dance from an aging but incredibly nice stripper who majored in Art History 14 years ago and take a peek at a few "Things I've Learned."


1. I genuinely enjoy conversation, so long as I'm not involved in any way whatsoever.


2. I judge ANY guy who orders a shot of Fireball. (or drives a Miata)


3.  Everyone who I've ever met named "Chase" is a complete dildo.


4. I get into trouble quite often for being honest.  Case in point-- One does not have to do anything that they do not wish to do-- especially in the workplace.  The caveat being that you must be prepared to accept consequences and be labeled as difficult--  or a Kardashian.  In rare cases it, oddly, might very well set you on a path to the presidency.


5. I don't understand those who want to win the Power Ball.  I simply visit the corner bodega to purchase beef jerky, gummies and a vape refill -- as I wait for the dick-ball in front of me treat a Powerball ticket or Keno transaction as though they're signing adoption papers.


6. I'm rather embarrassed that my shopping list this week looks like that of a serial killer.  It includes croissants, Boar's Head peppered, grilled deli sliced chicken, sesame sticks, whole pineapple, Gain detergent and shoelaces.


7. Words are more powerful than many people realize. I need to measure mine more often.


8. When did shingles become an epidemic?  And, why is Terry Bradshaw trying to scare the shit out of me with it on TV?


9. TRUE story from my block in New Orleans...Trust me when I tell you that there is NOTHING funnier than witnessing 5 trannys pile into a Ford Festiva.


10. Walking away from an argument is indeed a good and healthy policy…so long as you destroy both cell phones-- eliminating text message abilities for either party.


11. I’m still not a role model for children


12. There is nothing more alarming than discovering that the really attractive girl who walks down the sidewalk past your front porch each day is one of the aforementioned trannys.


13. Each year I buy something for myself as a birthday gift.  This year, I'm excited that I bought a package of Lucky Brand and New Balance tees, ordered a new cellphone and a package of boxers. Yet, another thing that I believe makes me feel exceedingly unfuckable.


14. I love reading and, AS ATTACHED,  contributing to restroom graffiti. 


Well…there it is. Another year has come and gone and I plan to celebrate with a candle-free cake so as not to escalate the effects of Global Warming™ thus angering Al Gore™ or Greta Thunberg.


I’m thankful, achy, capricious, somewhat sexually aroused, optimistic, craving three Crunchy Taco Supremes and, of course, still do not understand the rules of Premier league soccer. But, it’s been an interesting, sown seeds of light, year.


Ⓒ25 Hours, Eight Days, 2026

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