Hey, Alexa...

 

I have a longtime friend who once regaled me with the story of (what I will call) a fairy tale wedding. The sort of unspoiled romance that little girls dream about all of their life…only, it's in Arkansas.

   Alexa is from Texarkana.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the fascinating story of Texarkana, it's world famous for DUIs and meth labs.

   Texarkana straddles the Texas/Arkansas border - thus the clever name. It’s also the home of some weird guy (Charles) who claims to have invented the exploding pagers and cell phones for the CIA as a party prank long before Israel's spy agency perfected it.  I also know that it’s part of the United States- as is the rest of Arkansas.

   Alexa was supposed to be married in a wedding chapel on the Texas side of the city...The only problem being?  Other than the fact that she should have joined the witness relocation program rather than to marry this man, was that Texas wouldn’t legally recognize their nuptials because he was not officially divorced from his previous wife.*

**Alexa has a glaring deficiency in spotting red flags, or men and women who lack presence.

   Here comes the Arkansas government to the rescue! Thank Jesus!

Arkansas’ state sport is “sanctity of life," unless you're one of the "gays.” 

    You can, as per the Texarkana court clerk:

Get born (pronounced: Borned)

Get dead (pronounced with two syllables)

Get married

Get buried (pronounced: going someplace better than Arkansas)

All of the paperwork can be issued in that very office (trailer). Even better, the clerk informed Alexa that, in Arkansas, should all four events converge, they will issue all of said certificates at once (Onest). 

For a state where you can’t purchase beer and liquor in the same store, I call this cutting edge efficiency from which we can all take a cue! 

  So, the lovebirds procured an Arkansas marriage license. The only problem? Texas, being a stickler for executing people in possession of overdue library books, would NOT recognize the license so long as the groom-to-be wasn’t officially divorced. 

I’m wondering how in the world cult leader, David Koresh, slipped through the cracks.

These crazy kids decided that it would be clever to get married in a van where they exchanged vows in Texas and sealed the deal with 

“I now pronounce you slacker who makes vanilla ice-cream seem spicy and woman who is far too good for you” 

just across the Arkansas border. 

(Insert Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” here).

  By the way, and I swear I am NOT making this up, the preacher’s daughter drove the van! At this point in my friend’s story, I ordered a shot of whiskey. I believe that the newly bequeathed “Mr. & Mrs.” received guests at the Sonic drive-in. 

As they say, something old, something new, something borrowed, and something... super-sized.

Alexa and her guy are from a small town…which means that she has stories that defy logic (and Darwin’s theory).

Happy Valentine's Day?? 💕 

©Pontchartrain Press,  2025

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