My Birthday was D.O.G.E'd

 For 17 years, each April (on or about my stupid birthdate) I’ve utilized time on the main platform to briefly share, reminisce, come to grips with and make fun of myself and other shit.  It's a snapshot of things I've ruminated over for the past 360-ish days and is quite unoriginally titled:


               “Things I’ve Learned”  (a.k.a.)

                      “...What doesn’t kill you"


Here we go--


 1. No one can tell me what the name “Todd” is short for…not even my friend, TODD!  Weird. 


2. The Surgeon' General seems to be correct in the assessment that there IS NO safe cigarette!!


My friend, Pete, was stabbed outside of a  convenience store after purchasing a pack of Ultra Lights


3. Trust me when I tell you that there is NOTHING funnier than witnessing 5 trannys pile into a Ford Festiva


4. Crazy people seem to possess amazing talents in that they are incredibly creative…most importantly, they are usually also extremely good in bed...


Of course, you must also accept the bad with the good in that you might eventually find yourself waking to find this person standing over the bed, threatening to gag you with a Swiffer replacement mop head  unless you can explain who your favorite "Boat-mance" is on Below Deck Down Under.  Mondays 8/7 central on Bravo


5. I learned how to say a dirty word in French.


6.  I've given thought to a portion of the stern, parental diatribe we've all likely heard:


  “There’s NOTHING good going on at 4am!” 


This was a regular assertion offered by my mother and father when I was 17-years old. With the assistance of my lady friend, Ashleigh, we blew that theory right out of the water in high-school**

**Note: Sadly, between the hours of 4:20am and 4:26am.  Not my finest performance 


7. A counterfeit excuse letter from the Pope will NOT get you out of Federal court jury duty…and might result in a contempt of court charge. 


8. NEVER trust ANYONE who begins a sentence with “Dont get it twisted.”


9. I've thought  a lot about D.O.G.E.** Mainly because I truly wish that people would just settle down. 


**Save your fucking hate mail North Louisiana and ALL of Alabama.  I don’t read it and I'm just gonna quickly point something out.


"Department of Government Efficiency?"


 It's a team (as described) and, of course,  there IS no "I" in TEAM.  Unless you're Welsh,  then, team is spelled "Dim" 😆 (pronounced "Deen") so...there IS an "I" in team! I'm down!  Um, but...


 "Department" is a segregation of a larger "team," it's literally a singularity of a plural...which also, literally, makes me want to try mushrooms for my birthday and make poor decisions with  questionable people by just THINKING about that previous sentence grammatically.  I agree and appreciate what's going on, but...


Government and efficiency belong nowhere in the same sentence, page, chapter, verse OR, book.


Three of the four words are already suspicious.  I'd name it something FUN, marketable,  yet, vague. Where you're intrigued, but unsure of its ingredients.  Perhaps:


                           VELVEETA ®


The only non suspect word in this department (or any department name) is "of" except--

"OF" is a preposition.  I don't trust prepositions. 


And, finally, one to grow (up) on...


10. MERDE* 

*My French word 


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