Dearly Departed...Send HELP!

 Did you know that today was plan Your Epitaph Day?  April 6, 2026, is an annual opportunity to take control of your legacy by crafting your own tombstone inscription. 

 Created in 1995 (that explains a LOT) to encourage personal reflection on life and death, this day prompts you to decide how you want to be remembered rather than leaving it to others. My name is likely burned in effigy fucking daily out here...but, no one elsewhere takes the west coast seriously anyway. 

  My epitaph would be much better served in another's hands, for sure. But, before I do that, here's goes...

I had a conversation on the phone last night with a writer friend of mine that, I’m convinced, was a dream.

After confirming that it was indeed a real conversation I desperately tried to grasp the subject matter over breakfast today. (Pronounced: Bloody Mary's)

She told me of an elderly family friend in Texas who had asked that my friend write a eulogy, an epitaph of sorts-- so she that she could have an opportunity to approve it before she passed. I'll be professional here...what the fuck???

   This conjured the scene of aunt Edna sitting atop of the station wagon in National Lampoon‘s “Vacation.” Creepy!

Even better?  My friend’s business partner recently sang at a memorial service for someone who WASN’T EVEN DEAD. I absolutely love hanging with these two in Alexandria,  Louisiana-- for obvious reasons. 

  Why such a rush with the fucking memorials?? No one wants to die! Well, except for my friend, Bob  who’s being forced to be in a wedding tomorrow. Aside from Bob, most people RUN from the mere mention of mortality.

I have no opinion one way or another... other than I would prefer NOT to die…not until I’ve had an evening of unadulterated, wild, sensual, passionate (conversation) with Jessica Alba. Who else needs a cigarette?

  One girl I know informed me that she plans to host an essay contest for her eulogy to see who can write the nicest things about her.

If prizes are involved, I’m sooo down with this contest! Otherwise I’ll show up at the funeral and say:

“She was a cool chick, we got drunk a few times and I got to see her boobs after about 26 cocktails. They were nice…oh, and so was she.”

I started thinking that maybe it’s not a bad idea to have a eulogy “in the can.” 

Here’s my version: (with stage direction)

We’re gathered today to honor a wonderful man. James was a loving man in so many ways, many of which I can’t talk about but, allow me to say that whatever you’ve heard about older men simply isn’t true.

*(Hoping that I’m in my 90’s, I have a stipulation in my will that my friends hire a 20-something year old girl to read the eulogy.)

What to say about my friend James …big, big, big James …I’ll miss it-- so very, very much...uh, I mean, HIM.  I'll miss HIM.

(Speaker has a longing look on her face as she takes a moment to wipe her brow.)

He lived a simple life without regret or shame; except for the fact that he actually voted for Ross Perot.

Being a generous person in life, he gave back to the community...never forgetting his roots. It will be greatly missed. HE, he will be greatly missed. 

  Let’s look at what my friends wrote.

Melissa’s Submission:

Many of you are here today for the same reason as I-- we all know that there will be an open bar after the service.

Jim was a cool guy and I’m sure some of you in the audience will miss him. Amen

Thanks Melissa…your economy with words were both moving and got you uninvited to my funeral.

Todd’s Submission:

I stand here today with a hangover, and a heavy heart. James and I collaborated on writing projects many times.

I’ll especially miss the days of constantly waking him up while we were writing on a tight deadline.

I can say this to you now my friends...James and I were more than colleagues, we were LOVERS! I‘m kidding.

I’ve always admired him for his tenacity-- when he set out to do something, you could rest assured that he’d not do it. With the exception of talking Carolyn into a three-way in my swimming pool the night we were editing her book.

Love ya’ buddy!

Bravo Todd!! BRAVO!

Todd is a true friend. His wife is mean to me, but I understand that a divorce wouldn’t fit into Todd’s budget right now. This is expressly why I’ve started a trust fund for him.

I actually had a tear in my eye when I read this.  Primarily because we ALMOST had Carolyn talked into a 3-way but we ran out of tequila and then she sobered up! *snowflake alert * settle down.  Carolyn is a wonderful friend. 

Carolyn’s Submission:

The world is a better place today. I’m sure that James is looking UP at us all right now, envying the fact that it’s nice and cool here. Oh, and F**k you and your swimming pool Todd! Peace out!

Such hostility. Carolyn is never invited to the pool again! Unless, of course, she wants to come over.

After reading the above submissions and three others (which absolutely cannot be published) I realized something that choked me up. A poignant moment of self awareness...

...My friends in Nashville and New Orleans really suck. But, they're fun. And, they're genuine!  They make life feel as it should...valuable.   My REAL epitaph?

Amen.

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2026