Dog Dazed

 The phrase dog days refers to the sultry days of summer. 

  In the Northern Hemisphere, the dog days of summer are most commonly experienced in the months of July and August, which typically observe the warmest summer temperatures.  (Or, in New Orleans, March till early December.)

The Romans referred to the dog days as diēs caniculārēs and associated the hot weather with the star Sirius. They considered Sirius to be the "Dog Star" or,  Canis Major (Large Dog). 

I would have deemed it due to the proximity of the sun to the earth's tilt...but I'm not a Roman.  I don't look good in leather straps, sandals and, for the record, I also will go on record to attest that I've never crucified anyone claiming to be the son of a deity.

Sirius, by the way, is the brightest star in the night sky. (Sorry Beyonce.) 

The term "Dog Days" was used earlier by the Greeks primarily because the Greeks thought themselves to be better than everyone else for inventing the world's FIRST portable sandwich (which people often mispronounce) AND for getting away with pre-marital sex via other anatomical entry points.  They might be lousy bankers...but the Greeks definitely know how to throw a party...AND crash a national economy!  It's like living with my ex wife all over again.

The Dog Days originally were the days when Sirius rose just before or at the same time as sunrise, (Much like my neighbor's dog).  

This is no longer true, owing to precession of the equinoxes...and a primary factor as to why network television debuts shitty new shows during these months.  

The Romans sacrificed a red dog (Not the failed Miller beer product) in April to appease the rage of Sirius, believing that the star was a primary cause for hot, sultry weather.  It's simply amazing to me that this empire eventually fell.

In fact, sultry summer days are now attributed to Global Warming®, according to Al Gore©.

  Dog Days were popularly believed to be an evil time:  "the Sea boiled, the wine turned sour, dogs grew mad and all other creatures became languid; causing to man, among other diseases, burning fevers, hysterics, phrensies, Acid Reflux, PMS, herpes, Karaoke bars and anal hematoma."** 

**(Or, as my computer spell check helpfully demands that I change to "tomato.")

Realizing that "Dog Days" was all just a foolish "wive's tale" Sirius decided to hire Howard Stern and merge with XM satellite radio...and, the rest is history. (for $13.95 per month.  With an option to add the NFL package.)

   I don't have the first clue as to why people seem to behave as they do during the warmest days of summer other than to speculate that it has something to do with 2 for 1 margaritas.


  Dog Days of summer stirs a nostalgic image of 1960's Americana, in my mind.  An era where children splash around an open fire hydrant on a busy city street, completely doused in cool (lead pipe laden) water, eventually causing them to fall terminally ill from various forms of cancer decades later.  

That's an image that Norman Rockwell probably never painted.


I don't have the first clue as to why people are irritable during the Dog Days. It's not the heat...it's the humidity.  Or, perhaps, we're just being an assholes?

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